Friday, October 2, 2020
Just when we thought 2020 could not get any more bizarre, America awoke this morning to the news that President Trump and First Lady Melania have contracted the coronavirus. Our thoughts and prayers go out to 45 and FLOTUS, both of whom report that they are feeling well, but will quarantine for an unspecified amount of time.
In the year 2045, when scholars at Moscow University’s Des Moines, Iowa, branch campus look back on the end of American democracy, they may very well point to Tuesday night in Cleveland (who could have guessed Cleveland?) as the point at which the match was lit. The first debate between President Trump and Joe Biden went spectacularly off the rails from the gate.
And somehow in 2020, we are still talking about white supremacy in this country (ok, one candidate didn’t say much about it.) And after the insults, lies, and downright disgusting behavior on display, the Wall Street Journal headline claimed the debate showed that Trump “hasn’t settled on his message yet.” Oh, THAT is what it showed? What in the flying blue hell was the Wall Street Journal watching, and when did they start drinking on Tuesday?
After Grumpy Old Men 3: the Great Debate was over, CNN went immediately to fact-checker extraordinaire Daniel Dale, who drained a glass of bourbon, flipped off Jake Tapper and said “That was some bull***t, I’m outta here.”
CNBC was out of the box with the first post-debate poll showing Biden “won” the night, 53%-29%. This is like being the “winner” of the semi-annual Browns/Bengals matchup. It might make you happy for a minute, but then you remember it doesn’t really matter to anyone else.
For its part, Cleveland did a nice job of debate-hosting, which compels us to show you our favorite Cleveland tourism video. Come on down to Cleveland-town!
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi weighed in today and said that if the debate commission does not do something to reign in Trump, Biden should refuse to do debate 2 or 3. We think no more debates is an idea we can all get behind, Nancy.
In the meantime, the president is still reeling from the New York Times report on his taxes, which he either doesn’t pay or overpays. Trump maintains that he pays millions of dollars a year, and the Times said he pays $750. Now, correct us if we are wrong, but there seems to be a whole lot of daylight between those two numbers. For example, our first trip to the Wine & Spirits store after the Covid quarantine cost us roughly $750. Wow, judge much?? In any event, if that bill would have been several million dollars instead, we might have felt a bit differently about going with Crown Royal Reserve instead of Windsor.
One of Joe Biden’s true loves is riding on an Amtrak train, and he hopped on one for a whistle-stop tour of Ohio and Pennsylvania. The trip harkened back to the days of Harry Truman, riding the rails to victory over Thomas Dewey. Incidentally, Biden and Truman went to the same prep school. At the same time.
The White House press secretary this week found out the hard way that attending Rhodes College in Tennessee does not make you a Rhodes Scholar. Maybe a Country Roads Scholar, Kayleigh, but that’s it.
Back in comparatively sane Pennsylvania, the Third Circuit Court upheld Governor Wolf’s request for a stay on his pandemic mitigation orders, which means his indoor/outdoor crowd limits are still in effect, at least temporarily. Listen, Pennsylvania is an awfully big state. If you need to be outside, there is no reason you need to be close to anyone if you don’t wanna be. And trust us, we don’t. Just be safe out there.
Dr. Rachel Levine continued to blind us all with science this week, reminding us that just because you may WANT a vaccine this fall does not mean you will GET a vaccine this fall. Science and medicine, it would appear, do not give a fig about what you want. The preceding message was authorized by the Committee on the Levine Vaccine.
The Pennsylvania House GOP started moving legislation that would set up a select committee to investigate the 2020 General Election. Yup, can’t see how any of that could go remotely wrong, especially in Philly, where we have been told that #BadThingsHappen. You should DEFINITELY go down there on Election Day with subpoenas.
Of course, if the Washington Post’s latest poll is to be believed, Sleepy Joe has opened up quite the lead on Trump, reaching nine points. Given that pollsters believe the Keystone State is the most likely to deliver the presidency, it could all be over a lot quicker than we think.
The Pennsylvania Turnpike announced it will again welsh on its scheduled $112 million payment to mass transit, because, you know, we got laid off and the kids needed braces and we can get you, like, $50 million next week? Public transit, at least for now, has decided to not break the Turnpike’s knees.
The positively ginormous Shell cracker plant being built in Beaver County is nearly 70% complete, thanks largely to our friends in the western Pennsylvania building trades. Raise an Iron City, yinz amazing people!
Pennsylvania’s Top Cop Josh Shapiro kept up his impressive string of court victories, this time against the U.S. Postal Service’s proposed changes that, according to Shapiro, would slow down mail-in balloting and possibly disrupt the elections. Like we need anything else to disrupt the elections. At this juncture, we are positive there will be a Category 5 hurricane hitting the coast on Nov. 3.
Speaking of disrupting elections, a group of female elected officials in western PA has taken matters into its own hands when it comes to informing people of the danger of so-called “naked ballots.” This week they unveiled an ad campaign featuring themselves, no clothes and some strategically placed ballot instructions. The ad was positively genius, as it immediately went viral and probably educated people 10 times faster. Of course, as is always the case when someone does something novel and disruptive, a chorus of Karens weighed in online (probably on Nextdoor, if we had to bet), decrying the semi-nude ads before returning their self-righteous attention to the Kardashians and the Real Housewives marathon on Bravo. 
Over on the Triad socials this week, come check out our guest blog from our friend Bob Christian at Westview Water Authority who, like President Trump, wants crystal clear clean water for everyone!
Also, congratulations to Pocono Raceway for landing its second consecutive NASCAR doubleheader weekend. Hopefully, this time the Tricky Triangle will be packed and COVID will be gone!
In our We Can’t Make This Up segment this week, we take you to jolly old England, where a wildlife park sounds more like a Guy Richie movie due to a few African Parrots. The birds are in quarantine after hurling F-bombs and other vulgarities at visitors. The Trump campaign is currently in discussions to buy the birds and bring them to the next debate to taunt Joe Biden.
That’s what passes for news around here, as October dawns and all the Halloween freaks come back out of the basement to cover their homes with weird things. We will be back next week to bring you all the news we think is important because, really, it’s our report. Do your own if you want. From all of your friends at Team Triad, have a great weekend!