Friday, October 9, 2020
President Trump was back in the Oval Office this week after a short stint on injured reserve for COVID-19. During his hospital stay, Vice President Mike Pence quickly offered to step in and perform the duties of the office. Trump’s response was, “Yeah, you can forget that idea, Mike. Daddy’s home.”
The presidential debate honchos (who we assume only work two months every four years) have declared that the next debate will be held virtually since Trump is probably still a little COVID-y around the gills, so to speak. Trump is not having any of that nonsense and will have a rally instead. For his part, former Vice President Biden intends to appear alone on camera and tell 90 minutes’ worth of stories about growing up in Scranton.
The downside of the president being quarantined (other than the fact that he was infected with a deadly disease) is that no one was monitoring his Twitter activity, which was in evidence late Tuesday night when he unilaterally declared that Stimulus 2 is dead (via Twitter) until after the election. Even though he reversed course (kinda) the next day, it begs the question: if Congress is willing to give you a stimulus package a month before an election where you trail nationally by… a LOT… why wouldn’t you take it and run? Stop checking out the dental work on the gift horse, Don. Just take it home already.
Point of clarification on that whole “trailing by a lot” thing, before we get a ton of hate messages and reminders about 2016 and e-mails about Crooked Hillary. We are referring to a CNN poll this week showing Biden up 16. Got a beef? Take it up with Jake Tapper or someone who actually works there, and hence gives a flying pink banana one way or the other.
If it makes you feel any better, according to Monmouth, Biden’s lead in Pennsylvania is only 12 points. Must be all those folksy stories about Scranton.
Vice President Pence and U.S. Sen. Kamala Harris debated this week, and it was so scintillating that the entire nation spent the next 48 hours talking about the fly that landed on Pence’s noggin. CNN’s insta-poll right after the debate showed the fly winning by a large margin.
Back here in Pennsylvania, our own U.S. Sen. Pat Toomey announced that he will not run for reelection or governor in 2022, setting off wild speculation about who will throw their hats into the ring. Only in Pennsylvania do we spend days speculating on a race in 2022 while the next one is barreling down on us like a runaway freight train. Anyway, you think John Fetterman will run?
The U.S Supreme Court declined to hear yet another appeal of yet another Wolf administration virus mitigation effort and CAN WE ALL JUST STOP SUING AND APPEALING AND KVETCHING ABOUT UNFAIR JUDGES AND GENERALLY ACTING LIKE SPOILED CHILDREN? In totally RELATED news, there were another 1,400 coronavirus cases in Pennsylvania just today, so maybe we can stop thinking/acting like everything is back to normal.
The governor did make some news when he increased both the indoor and outdoor gathering limits, just in time for Sunday’s Steelers/Eagles game. The announcement, of course, triggered the usual outpouring of outrage. “It is not enough!” screamed half of the Twitterverse, while the other half screamed back, “He’s crazy! Everyone will die!” We are starting to think nothing Wolf does is gonna make anyone happy, short of personally delivering ice cream to everyone’s home, at which point the fighting will begin over vanilla or chocolate or Turkey Hill or Ben and Jerry’s…
Penn State announced that there will be no spring break next year, infuriating the college students who never go to class anyway. In related news, it’s not like there will be anywhere to go, anyway.
The state Senate this week moved legislation that would take $500 million of unspent CARES Act money and give parents across Pennsylvania $1,000 per child to do essentially whatever the hell they want with as long as it is related to education. Opponents of school choice smelled a rat and cried foul, which probably dooms the plan, but we would like to weigh in and let everyone know that $1,000 per child is still cool with us if y’all wanna keep working on it.
The Senate, along with the House and governor, are contemplating making one last push at electoral reform to give counties more time to count and process the seventeen gazillion ballots they will receive via mail. With Pennsylvania looking more and more like it will tip the scales for the next president, it would seem like a good idea to give our counties as much time as possible. No one wants all the cable news stations parked in Harrisburg for three weeks doing breathless, minute-by-minute analysis of every ballot in the Commonwealth. We speak for all when we say that Nov. 4 would be a really good day to end this nightmare of an election once and for all!
The Senate this week also held a public hearing on expanded gaming because, as we know, expanded gaming is the only solution anyone has for anything around here when cash is low. Note to liquor and tobacco: you are likely next, so don’t get too comfy.
There is a kerfuffle brewing inside the national firefighters’ union and the Philadelphia local over its endorsement of President Trump, with a chance that it may end up being rescinded before the election actually happens. Endorsements of candidates can get awfully tricky, especially this year.
Down in Atlanta, out of work strippers are spearheading a campaign to “get your booty to the polls,” which is awfully civic minded of them. In Pittsburgh, elderly ladies with babushkas are spearheading the “Yinz better vote n’at!” campaign.
And before anyone gets too concerned, the Russians have now “assured” our top intelligence folks that they will not interfere with our elections, which they have been interfering with nonstop right up to, well, today. Thank goodness we have their assurances! The Russians went on to say that all of Vladimir Putin’s critics can safely stand alone on hotel balconies, preferably higher than four floors off the ground.
On the Triad socials this week, our own Brandi Hunter-Davenport sat down and chatted with Pennsylvania’s acting secretary of education, Noe Ortega. Check out his thoughts on the future of education in PA!
In our We Can’t Make This Up segment, we bring you a follow-up to a WCMTU segment from earlier this year. Apparently, our good friends the Murder Hornets are about to move into something known as the “Slaughter Phase,” wherein they attack honeybee hives and decapitate every honeybee in sight and eat their little honeybee entrails. The Slaughter Phase is also our new descriptive phrase for the month of October leading up to a presidential election. It is so much more fun than “the stretch run.” Boooooring! 
That’s what passes for news around here as we sit outside on a beautiful October day, sippin’ a tall, cool one and waitin’ on the Murder Hornets! We will be back next week (if we don’t get decapitated) with all the news you can shake a hive at! From all of your friends at Team Triad, have a great weekend!