Friday, October 16, 2020
Happy birthday to the U.S Navy, which turned 245 years young this week! For all you young ones out there, the United States Navy is the most lethal fighting force the world’s seas have ever known, despite what The Deep from Netflix’s series The Boys will tell you.
If you spent the entire week watching the confirmation hearings for our next Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, you are definitely the type of person who sat riveted to your TV in 1984, watching ABC’s Wide World of Sports and wondering if THIS WAS THE DAY the Washington Generals were gonna beat the Harlem Globetrotters. The only way Barrett will not be confirmed is if she is abducted by aliens tomorrow.
Thirteen slack-jawed yokels who think their Gold’s Gym memberships are rights enshrined in the U.S. Constitution were nabbed by the FBI for planning to kidnap Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer. During FBI interviews, it was discovered that the same group of patriotic Americans was also planning to kidnap Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam. The group is currently charged with Interstate Incompetence (it’s a thing, look it up!)
Meanwhile, instead of a good old-fashioned debate where both candidates stand on the stage together and talk over each other, both President Trump and Joe Biden held televised town hall meetings Thursday night. Biden was mystified as to why his event was not being held in the Scranton Electric Building, while Trump complained that his event should be held at Mar-a-Lago, which is totally a typical American small town.
Trump also continued to give Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell whiplash over a proposed pandemic stimulus plan. As far as we can tell, the president’s stance on a stimulus plan is somewhere between “call the whole thing off” and “give Crazy Nancy whatever she wants.” His latest tweet, “go big or go home,” resulted in McConnell immediately booking a flight back to Kentucky.
The Trump campaign was also dealt a blow this week as a federal judge threw out its lawsuit over Pennsylvania ballot procedures. Should, Heaven forbid, anything go wrong at the Pennsylvania polls on Nov. 3, you may wanna keep this decision in mind. You will be reminded via someone’s Twitter feed a thousand times.
U.S. Sen. Mitt Romney briefly stuck his head above the fence line to scold the nation for being too partisan. Just noticing this now, Mittens? Something particularly interesting you’ve been watching on Netflix the past 10 years that has made you oblivious to what is happening outside of Provo, Utah?
You know what IS interesting in Provo, Utah? This jackwagon, who decided he needed to get an up-close look at four cougar cubs before the cougar mama arrived, causing him to wet himself. Get a look at the acceleration on the cat. Like a Maserati with fangs and bad intentions.
Before we dive headlong into the Pennsylvania news, we would like to point out that even after being accosted in a grocery store by a woman who then threw a racial slur at her in the parking lot, Pennsylvania’s Second Lady Giselle Fetterman remained a pillar of grace this week by choosing not to press charges against a truly ghastly human who looks and sounds like she crawled out of a Braddock sewer. Good on ya, Fetterman family.
Hey, did you know that President Trump and Joe Biden were BOTH in Pennsylvania in the past week?? Right, how cool is that?? 19 more days, 19 more days, 19 more days…
Pennsylvania’s unemployment rate dropped all the way down to 8.1%, which is still pretty damned high but at least heading in the right direction. Perhaps someday the weary souls at the PA Department of Labor and Industry can get a day off to breathe. Most of them don’t even know that summer came and went, or that Bernie Sanders lost the primary.
Pennsylvania’s House GOP leaders have decided that they will no longer pursue the election integrity commission that they kicked around a few weeks ago. Yeah, we learned a long time ago to never cross the street to get punched in the nose. There will be more lawyers in Pennsylvania on Nov. 3 than there are spotted lanternflies. 
Governor Wolf went up to the great northeast this week to remind all of us, once again, that the time for legal weed is now. Criminal justice reform, economic development, and cash, all rolled into one fat, sticky policy joint, so to speak. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
Pennsylvanians have requested a mind-boggling 2.6 million mail-in ballots so far. This incredible number of requests is making county election officials break out in cold sweats, waiting to the General Assembly to let them start the canvass early. Lest we are sitting around the Thanksgiving table while we await the results.
Pennsylvania’s State System of Higher Education is proposing to combine some of its institutions and go from 14 schools to 10. The plan would merge Clarion, California and Edinboro into one, and Lock Haven, Bloomsburg and Mansfield into another. We at Triad have decided they will be known henceforth as Caliclariboro and Bloomhavenfield. So it is written, so it shall be done. We will start thinking about mascot names now.
In our Shameless Client Plug this week, we are thrilled to share with you the New York Times article about Joe Biden’s position on fracking, which quotes our friend Jim Kunz, right there in the lede!
In our We Can’t Make This Up segment this week, we take you to the U.K., where scientists at the Large Hadron Collider are planning to use their very large device to attempt to connect with a parallel universe. Yeah, that’s a solid idea. This year is going SO FREAKING WELL in our own universe, we should DEFINITELY be looking to hook up with some others.
That’s what passes for news around here as the days grow a little shorter and our patience with politics follows suit! Be sure to come back next week when our patience will be even thinner, and we are likely to say something so outrageous that Roy Wells fires us! You’ve been warned. From all of us at Team Triad, have a great weekend!