September 9, 2022

In case you were living under an exceptionally large rock this week, we begin by informing you Queen Elizabeth II has died. While much of the world mourned her passing, it is notable that after 73 short years, Prince Charles was finally given the only promotion he’s ever been eligible to receive. And the queen herself, who lived through 14 U.S. presidents, died without ever seeing the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl. God save the king. Moving along…

U.S. Sen. Pat Toomey was formally sanctioned by the Russian government, which we assume means he will no longer have access to his palatial summer home in Omsk. Actors Sean Penn and Ben Stiller also received sanctions, which inadvertently created a group of people (Penn, Toomey and Stiller) who have never been mentioned in the same sentence before in human history.

Philadelphia has been crowned the rudest city in the country by some weird app that no one ever heard of or uses. The Philadelphia Inquirer responded with a well-crafted retort that essentially made the case that Philly folks are just honest, you bunch of fat, stupid F$@&ing jerks! GO BACK TO JERSEY!

The fall campaigns are cranking up the volume for the 60-day run for the governor’s office and the U.S. Senate. GOP gubernatorial hopeful Doug Mastriano is so confident of victory – he has already named the chairperson of his transition team. While we love the confidence, it is usually not a good idea to name your Game 7 starter before you win Game 6.

Over in the Senate arena, Dr. Oz was finally able to browbeat John Fetterman into committing to a debate, which we understand will take place on the Thursday after the General Election. We are sure the campaigns will now dispense with the sniping and potshots and get down to serious policy debates about BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! That was almost too fun to type. 

Former President Trump was in Pennsylvania this week, whipping up the faithful for the November elections. While riffing on politics, Trump said that FBI agents have turned into vicious monsters, which is surprising, since we thought most of them just turned into grizzled old cynics who spend time muttering “I’m too old for this shit” to their younger, fresher-faced partners.

Striking nursing home workers reached a tentative agreement with their employers, ending what could have been a pretty significant health care crisis. That’s the good news. The bad news, however, is that it will happen again unless we somehow begin paying all manner of care workers fair wages. And with our aging population continuing to expand, it’s not gonna get cheaper, folks.

Meanwhile, for the first time in decades, union organizing is on the rise across the country. Historically tight labor markets combined with static wages have really opened the collective bargaining door. See the preceding paragraph for clarity on why this matters.

The amount in unpaid tolls that Turnpike scofflaws owe the commission has ballooned to $155 million, a pretty staggering number. We await the technology innovation that will read your plate, identify you are delinquent, and immediately disable your engine. If there is a tech company out there with that capability, call the commission immediately.

Lycoming County commissioners took the rather unprecedented step of agreeing to a ballot question on whether the county should continue with electronic voting machines or go to a hand-count. While there may or may not be merit to this idea, it is rather ironic that the results of that referendum question will be tallied on voting machines.

Meanwhile, the Wolf administration has taken more steps to make voter registration even easier, putting applications at pretty much every state-owned building under the sun. The only remaining step would be to have state employees come to your home and jam an application into your hands, a plan that is not under active consideration before any of you people begin blogging about it.

Renewable and alternative energy will have a very bright future in Pennsylvania, as the most recent Biden spend-a-palooza law takes effect. Add this tax credit and cash infusion to the coming broadband bonanza, and Pennsylvania is gonna look quite a bit different in the coming years.

This renewable boom is leading many states, including Pennsylvania, to consider pulling a Gavin Newsome and announcing a ban on all gas-powered vehicles by 2035. We would humbly submit that, given that Californians are also locked in a power shortage, and the state government is telling people NOT to charge their cars, maybe we’ve got that horse way out in front of the cart on this one.

A gallon of gas reportedly fell below $4 in Philly this week, the surest sign that price stability has begun to settle in. As we were reading this news on our news app, we happened to be strolling past a gas station in Fishtown where the price was $4.19, making us immediately question everything we ever thought we knew about news apps. WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO US???

As COVID cases around the globe continue to plummet, many folks are wondering if we are still technically in a pandemic. Well, according to the WHO (the organization, not the 70s Brit rock band), we are still in it. Because, reasons. And please do not ask us again, thank you very much. WE SAID GOOD DAY!

Our first Shameless Client Plug goes out to Kate Quinn, as she takes the helm at the venerable Mutter Museum! Best of luck, Kate. We can’t wait to assist where we can! 

Shameless Client Plug II goes to our friends at Rivers Casino in Philly, as they welcome a new Martorano’s Prime to their property, duplicating the successful Rivers Pittsburgh eatery. And with that, Rivers has now cornered the market on badass steaks in casinos.

In our We Can’t Make This Up segment, we take you to Nebraska, where a man paddled a hollowed-out 800-pound pumpkin 38 miles down the Missouri River and into the record books. Because, inexplicably, there is a Guinness world record for “longest journey traveled by pumpkin.” No, honestly, there is.  That’s why this section is called what it is called.

That’s what passes for news around here, as all eyes return to the state capital on Monday, when legislators get back to the business of legislating stuff! We have it all covered, trust us. Go about your business, we will handle it. From all your friends at Team Triad, have a great weekend!