September 23, 2022

Last Monday, while every major and not so major news outlet in the world was relentlessly focusing on the location of Queen Elizabeth’s coffin, there was a hurricane absolutely pounding Puerto Rico. But you know, the queen and stuff. This week, Gov. Tom Wolf sent two search-and-rescue teams to our island friends, and we urge anyone with a few dimes to spare to help out as well.

Meanwhile, over in Russia, the war planning genius also known as Vladmir Putin is so desperate to pull his army out of a tailspin that he announced plans to “encourage” 300,000 more troops to join in the fun. As an extra incentive, he banned all Russian airlines from selling any tickets to men between the ages of 18 and 65. Gonna be a lot of car traffic at the Russian border soon. 

President Joe Biden casually announced that the pandemic is over, which seemed to take a lot of his own people by surprise. What those same people also don’t seem to grasp is that the American people declared the pandemic to be over months ago.

Manhattan District Attorney Letitia James sued former President Trump and three of his kids for… well, everything under the sun. Out of the list of things the former president has been investigated for, we didn’t think tax fraud was gonna hit the finish line first.

Jerome Powell also continued to play Dr. Doom as the Fed hiked interest rates another three-quarters of a point. As if the market was not spooked enough, Powell then went on television and said, “You like that? I got way more where that came from, pal!”

Pennsylvania’s own U.S. Sen. Pat Toomey announced that he will vote in favor of the Electoral College Reform Act, which if it is signed into law will greatly reduce the shenanigan threshold for trying to stop the certification of electoral votes. Nobody needs an artificially low shenanigan threshold, people.

Meanwhile, after 6,000 attempts to stop it in court and in the legislature, mail-in ballots in Pennsylvania remain a thing and are heading to a mailbox near you as soon as this week. This means the elections are getting closer, which also signals that the annoying TV ads are going to ramp up significantly in the coming weeks. Whatever your preferred choice is, get out there and choose it, people. Paid for by the Triad Strategies Do-Your-Damned-Civic-Duty Fund.

Speaking of civic duty, the annual “young people are really excited to vote this year” stories have begun to pop up in media outlets. Yeah, sounds good. Until, you know, something really cool pops up on TikTok and they completely forget its election day.

Polls in the battle royale between John Fetterman and Dr. Oz continue to show the race tightening this week, or as we like to refer to it, are regressing to the mean. Nobody wins this state by double digits anymore, good people. What the hell fun would that be?

A few hundred million Biden bucks are flowing into the Commonwealth to help build out an electric vehicle infrastructure and incentivize people to actually buy those vehicles. On a related note, has anyone asked our aging electrical grid what it thinks of this idea? Might wanna do that soon.  

Comcast is back and ready to roll, we learned this week. Now that the pandemic ended (when that happened is a matter of debate), the entertainment giant has all of its workforce back in Philly, and Philly businesses are loving it. Amazing what an influx of a few thousand people will do to a business district.

More and more school districts are discussing plans to allow students to opt-out of curricula that they find to be offensive. All we have to say is proceed with caution here. It is a very short drive from opting out of a class you find offensive to “Johnny won’t be taking physics because this family does not recognize physics as being real.”

Meanwhile, the state has waived the basic skills requirement to be a licensed teacher in Pennsylvania, apparently because teachers have decided to opt out of teaching altogether.

The Dauphin County District Attorney announced the formation of a new task force to examine conviction integrity in an attempt to make sure that everyone who is behind bars due to their prosecution actually deserves to be there. And thus, we have several potential new dateline episodes, coming right outta central PA.

Methamphetamine overdoses have begun to skyrocket in Pennsylvania, a sad reminder that addiction will find a source to feed itself as long as people are not getting treatment. And it seems any source will do.

Congratulations to our friends former Auditor General Eugene DePasquale and former state Rep. Marguerite Quinn on their new bipartisan energy task force. Two great Americans doing their best to help chart an energy future for all.

Our Shameless Client Plug this week goes out to Rivers Casino, which is getting ready to open the doors on its new hotel on Pittsburgh’s north shore! Check it out!

In case you missed it, Triad was named the top non-law and third-best overall lobbying firm in Pennsylvania by City and State magazine. Excuse us while we do a little rooftop celebrating!

In our We Can’t Make This Up segment, we take you to Venezuela, where authorities have finally captured the notorious fugitive, Fat Leonard. Also taken into custody was his older brother, Fat Albert, along with accomplices Rudy and Mushmouth.

That’s what passes for news around here as fall begins, and with it, endless online debates over whether or not pumpkin flavor is good. From all your friends at Triad, have a great weekend!