November 4, 2022
The U.S job market just kept humming along this week, despite predictions to the contrary. The economy added 261,000 jobs last month, while the nation’s unemployment rate ticked up a hair. As was the case for most of this year, while high inflation and every economic metric under the sun are predicting a recession, the job market is still over there in the corner yelling “NOT ON MY WATCH!!”
The Powerball jackpot for tomorrow’s drawing just hit a cool $1.6 billion, and your official odds of winning clocked in at one in 292 million. By way of comparison, your chances of being consumed by a shark are a mere one in 264 million. High hopes, kiddies.
Elon Musk announced today he is laying off half of Twitter’s staff nationwide, making him first out of the gate as a nominee for Jackwagon of the Year honors, an award given annually by Triad in December. Dude owned the company for all of 10 minutes before he broke it. He must have been a real joy on Christmas morning.
A group of 10 Pennsylvania political luminaries penned a letter to the U.S. Supreme Court, warning what election deniers might do in the event they should lose on Tuesday. Among the signatories was none other than former Gov. Tom Corbett, who is anything but an alarmist.
But perhaps the good news of the week came in the form of a Monmouth poll that showed 77% of all Pennsylvanians trust that the elections will be fairly conducted on Tuesday. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, election deniers are a very small minority after all?
Some 1.4 million residents have requested mail-in ballots thus far, with roughly a million of them having already been returned. That means there are a boatload of Pennsylvanians who have already logged off of this unending campaign season and can blissfully ignore everyone. Oh, to be that wild and free.
A number of polls came out this week showing Dr. Oz finally catching (and passing) John Fetterman in the U.S. Senate race, although two more released today showed Fetterman with a lead. Does anyone have the foggiest idea who might win this thing or when we might actually know? If this election goes into an automatic recount, it’s gonna be total anarchy in sleepy Harrisburg, with national media personalities and lawyers teeming through the streets like river rats. Dogs and cats, living together!
Fetterman got himself quite the late gift today, however, as Oprah Winfrey said on live television that she would have already voted for him and not her pal Oz if she lived here. We are quite sure that Fetterman would have enjoyed this news a helluva lot more if the calendar didn’t read “11/4/22” today.
The state Supreme Court deadlocked 3-3 over whether counties should count undated mail-in ballots, and so they will be set aside on election night, cordoned off from all the other ballots, shunned and ridiculed and prevented from playing election reindeer games.
You thinking about stiffing the Pennsylvania Turnpike, are ya Skippy? Gonna ignore that toll you got? Well, Governor Wolf just signed a new law that will allow PennDOT to quickly yank your vehicle registration in the event you don’t pony up. The only other option was having Sal from New Jersey wait in your driveway until you got home. Nobody wants that.
Because home heating prices are about to go through the ceiling and into the ionosphere, it is probably a good time to remind y’all that the state’s low-income heating assistance program is up and running until April. Should you know someone who enjoys heat but does not have the means to procure it, please tell them. Seriously.
Along those lines, the Commonwealth’s health insurance exchange, Pennie, is now accepting applications. Did you know we had one of those? Did you also know it was a shining example of something getting done on a bipartisan basis in the legislature that everyone says is irrevocably broken? The trick was just to not call it “Obamacare.” Pennie is much less divisive. She sounds sweet, in fact. “Dear, Pennie is here with your health insurance! Get her some lemonade!”
The U.S. News and World Report’s list of the best places to retire came out, and Pennsylvania cities and towns LITTERED that list. Listen, y’all didn’t have to tell us that a lot of people like to retire here. We’ve seen the Medicaid projections, and they are flipping terrifying.
Congratulations to our friends at the Philadelphia Shipyard, who landed a billion-dollar contract to build three more Jones Act ships. Lots of people will work lots of hours to put them in the water!
The most genteel criminal in Pennsylvania lives in the Shadyside section of Pittsburgh, we learned this week. Someone out there who is concerned about large SUVs being a threat to children has started to deflate folks’ tires with – get this – lentil beans. We can only assume this person makes a fine soup in his or her spare time.
Hats off to our own Yvonne Roberts, who was feted last night as one of the Philly Power 100! Miss Yvonne needs her own trophy case at this point.
Sometimes, we just cannot choose a winner in our We Can’t Make This Up segment, so we go with two! First, we take you to Philadelphia, where a man has captivated the entire city by pledging to eat an entire rotisserie chicken every day for 40 straight days. This is the exact mix of grit, determination, invention and insanity that makes Philly what it is! Go birds, except the one he is currently eating!
And then we head down to Raleigh, where a woman actually called 911 to report that the barbecue she ordered at a famous restaurant was pink. Despite the fact that barbecue is supposed to be pink, this lady was having none of it and wanted arrests made. This is the part of the story where we tell you the owner of the eatery, interviewed on the local news, said of the lady, “bless her heart,” which is perhaps the biggest pejorative anyone can hurl at you in North Carolina.
That’s what passes for news around here on the very last Happy Hour of the election cycle. Thank the gods, wake the kids and call the neighbors, it is almost OVER! From all your friends at Team Triad, have a great weekend!