Friday, March 12, 2021
The world was transfixed this week as Prince Harry and Princess Meghan took a blowtorch to the royal family, calling them racist, mean, boorish, domineering and lacking in basic hygiene (we didn’t watch, so that last one we might have made up.) That sound of maniacal laughter you heard was Ireland.
Yesterday afternoon, President Biden affixed his name to the $1.9 trillion stimulus bill, making it the law of the land. Within moments, COVID-19 was wiped from the earth. Pennsylvania is slated to receive a cool $7.3 billion from the package with billions more flowing into local governments and schools. That massive sigh of relief you heard came from Floor Two of the Pennsylvania State Capitol.
Biden then took to the TV machine last night to tell the country that all adults will be eligible to get a vaccine by May 1, and if everything goes to plan and we all do our part, we just might be able to have a teeny, tiny July 4th celebration with a few friends. Mr. President, with all due respect, the reality is that when these vaccines are into everyone’s arms, July 4th 2021 is gonna look like New Year’s Eve, Mardi Gras, the Super Bowl, a Bar Mitzvah and a 21st birthday bash all rolled into one, then covered in powdered sugar and doused with bourbon.
Public opinion on the Biden Bucks plan continued to clock in around 70% favorable in most polls, making it the most bipartisan plan to ever pass Congress with zero votes from the minority party. This is your reminder that the Democrats bargained themselves and the entire package down in order to secure those zero Republican votes. We would love to sell a car to some of these folks.
President Biden then announced that he and V.P. Kamala Harris will head out on a national barnstorming tour (why do we still storm barns, by the way?) to tout the benefits of the plan. Should you disagree, Biden’s dog will bite you, so be on your best behavior.
States are already being warned that the new federal largesse is a one-time deal, so they had better not use it to fill any recurring revenue shortfalls. States responded by sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting “LALALALALAWECANTHEARYOUWEARERICHLALALALA!”
Once the euphoria wears off for Biden, he might want to take a glance down toward the southern border. It seems to be getting awfully crowded down there again.
Merrick Garland was finally confirmed by the U.S. Senate this week, but just not for the job he applied for in the first place. For those who treated him poorly the first go-around, beware: he has a pretty sizable law enforcement outfit behind him now. Mind your P’s and Q’s, and definitely file your campaign finance reports on time.
Former President Trump this week sent out a memo stating that the GOP is not to use his name or likeness to raise money for RINOs. Reached for comment in the grasslands of Kenya, the rhinos were like “What the hell did we do to that guy?” The 2022 GOP primary season is shaping up to be better than pretty much anything on Netflix today.
The chorus of lawmakers opposed to PennDOT’s plan to slap tolls on nine bridges is reaching a crescendo. Fun fact: did you know that the law that the General Assembly passed in 2012 to give PennDOT that authority passed the state senate 50-0? Yeah, so did we. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time, we guess. Once that crescendo reaches ear-splitting decibels, we will let you know if anyone has a better idea about how to pay for highway bridges that are about to fall over.
Governor Wolf is signaling that St. Patrick’s Day will be the first holiday in a year when bars and restaurants won’t be shut down due to the coronavirus. This will be a big day for all of our Irish friends, who plan to party it up if they can stop laughing at the royal family for a few hours.
Unlike some of his contemporaries, however, Wolf is not yet ready to dispense with the mask mandate and social distancing requirements, he said this week. This means he will continue to be the guy driving the car while the kids in the backseat ask, “Are we there yet?” every hour on the hour until he pulls every last hair out of his head.
The shiny, new $120 million mini-casino in the York Galleria is nearing completion, making it the perfect time for the General Assembly to consider dumping slot machines into every bar and restaurant under the sun. Maybe just light that $120 million on fire next time, folks. Less hassle.
The state’s higher education honchos are kicking off their effort to consolidate three of their schools (Edinboro, California and Clarion) as their plan to re-imagine higher education moves ahead. Henceforth, we will refer to the new school as Caliclarboro. We will take suggestions for the mascot.
Out in bucolic Montgomery County, the fine folks at Merck have been busy helping to manufacture the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, which is the pharma equivalent of dogs and cats living together. Kudos to them and keep up the great work! 
The expanding vaccine distribution, the falling COVID case counts, the 75-degree weather… all of it is contributing to a real uptick in people’s moods across the country. Now comes the news that for the first time since 1976, neither Duke nor Kentucky will be in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. And you thought your mood couldn’t get better? You’re welcome!
In our We Can’t Make This Up segment, we take you to the Ben Franklin Bridge connecting Philly and New Jersey, where this week a truckload of onions overturned, spilling the onions across the highway. Within minutes, first responders came and dumped chopped steak and Cheez Whiz all over the bridge. One bridge, Whiz wit’!
That’s what passes for news around here as the weather teases us all into ignoring the fact that in 10 days or so, it is gonna snow here. Until then, from all your friends at Team Triad, have a great weekend!