July 26, 2024

The staff at Friday Happy Hour took a well-deserved week off last week, hence it has been 14 days since the last time we visited with you. Good thing nothing of note happened in the last two… wait, what? We are now being told that we missed, in order:

A would-be assassin tried to kill former President Trump west of here in Butler County, Pennsylvania.  The round fired from an AR-15 came within inches of the unthinkable before snipers un-alived the person responsible. This led to perhaps the most iconic picture of the 21st Century, and further cemented Trump’s status as one tough dude. Our hearts go out to those whose lives were shattered that day, especially to the family of firefighter Corey Comperatore, who was killed protecting his family from gunfire.

The subsequent sh%t-storm over what in the Sam Hill the Secret Service was doing that fateful day was truly a bipartisan affair, with the agency’s director being blazed in front of Congress and forced into resignation almost immediately. Long after the next president is sworn-in, there will probably still be more questions than answers, notably: how in the hell did this jackwagon with a high-powered rifle get that close to a former president?

Looking no worse for the wear, Trump proceeded to preside over the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee, where he surprised a lot of GOP delegates by choosing Ohio U.S. Sen. J.D. Vance as his running mate. And with the GOP ticket all set for November, there was no more news of note to report… wait, what?

It took all of two days for the focus to shift from the GOP convention to President Joe Biden, who on Sunday announced he would not seek re-election, and instead endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris in his place. After a day of completely hilarious speculation that somehow, some way, Democrats were going to jump over her in favor of someone else, Harris snagged the nomination via virtual roll call and that, was that. Biden gets to eat ice cream for the next six months, while Harris steams ahead. 

Fast forward to today, and we have all been subjected to the ceaseless discussion on who Harris will choose as her shotgun rider for this road trip. And since we live in Pennsylvania, it has been nothing but a “will-he-or-won’t-he” festival of Josh Shapiro for V.P. speculation. Harris is supposed to announce her choice in August, which CANNOT GET HERE FAST ENOUGH! This election cycle has lasted roughly 38 years, and it is still only July!

And so, with Harris and Trump running neck and neck in the Keystone State, the former president will be here in lovely Harrisburg next week, while Shapiro and Team Harris kick off the War for Pennsylvania on Monday. Get used to it, people. By the time November rolls around, you are gonna be simply nauseated with how much you are going to see and hear from both candidates. We fully expect them to actually get into a fistfight outside of Geno’s in Philly for the obligatory “cheesesteak photo.”

The swingiest of swing counties in our Commonwealth, good old Bucks, has seen GOP voter registration finally surpass the Democrats, and there was much GOP rejoicing. Before anyone loses their marbles down there, there are 60,000 independents in the county. They will choose the winners, thank you very much. 

As if on cue, Congressman Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Swingiest County) introduced a bill that would prohibit independents from being denied the right to vote in any federal election. This means primary elections, for those playing at home. They pay taxes, they get to play too. What say you, Pennsylvania General Assembly?

In non-electoral news (as if there is any), the Paris Olympics kicked off today, and if you need a list of every athlete from Pennsylvania who is participating, check that out here. Bonne chance!

Two years ago, Governor Shapiro signed into law the wildly successful Whole Home Repairs bill, and outside of that first year, we have now gone two consecutive budget cycles without seeing it funded at any level. This would be an example of it’s not broke, so let’s not fund it, which typically happens on the federal level. There are some lessons we need not learn from Congress, y’all. 

The nation’s GDP jumped by an unexpectedly high 2.8% this week, meaning that our economy is showing no signs of slowing down. The bad news for candidate Kamala Harris? Inflation doesn’t seem to care. 

The PA Supreme Court has put an end to Pittsburgh’s famed “jock tax,” which was a levy on professional athletes coming to Pittsburgh to play. Interestingly, even though the jock tax is no more, the court included an exception clause that still allows the city to tax the Baltimore Ravens, because they can just kick rocks.

If you didn’t know, this week is Service Animal Appreciation Week (shout-out to the PA House GOP for reminding us!). So, get out there and appreciate, player. 

This week’s Shameless Client Plug goes out to our pals at Pocono raceway, who made it onto the venerable Good Morning America broadcast today. GMA was on hand with Team Pocono and State Treasurer Stacey Garrity last week to plug the unclaimed property law and give away some moolah!

In our We Can’t Make This Up segment, we take you to Chicago, where the famed Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed on I-294. It was total anarchy, with mustard and onions flying everywhere. We also tend to believe this might not be the best omen in the world for the DNC, which is scheduled to be in the Windy City next month.

That’s what passes for news around here. We think we are all caught up, but at this point, who the hell knows? We will be back next week when we are sure that 50 other unprecedented things will have happened. We long for the simple days of “precedented.” From all your friends at Team Triad, have a great weekend!