August 15, 2025
We start this week by sending our most heartfelt condolences to the families of Steven Menefee and Timothy Quinn, both of whom were killed in the tragic explosion at the Clairton Coke Works on Monday. We also send prayers to all of those who are recovering from injuries. As usual, thank you to all the first responders who were called to the scene that terrible day.
Vlad “the Invader” Putin is meeting with President Trump in Alaska today to ostensibly work on ending Russia’s three-year-old war with Ukraine. Immediately upon landing in Anchorage, ICE agents tried to scoop Vlad up and deport him to El Salvador before Trump stepped in. The two are set to speak on Sarah Palin’s porch, where they can reportedly see Russia.
Meanwhile, the National Guard has taken over the streets of Washington, for some reason or another. D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser was so incensed by the move that she flew to Martha’s Vineyard. Listen, your honor, we all need a vacation, but sometimes the optics…
The FBI announced this week that violent crime rates across the country dropped again last year. We fully expect the poor sucker at the bureau who published those stats this morning to be unemployed by sundown.
A little-known female singer/songwriter from Pennsylvania made news this week as she announced the release of her 12th album. We wish her well, even if we can’t quite remember her name. Swift something or another. Maybe she will hit it big someday and play the York Fair.
The state budget battle of 2025 continued apace this week, with plenty of sound and fury signifying next to nothing. First up was the House serve and Senate volley of a mass transit plan, which ultimately landed out of bounds with both sides yelling at each other like John McEnroe. Meanwhile, SEPTA services are about to go… wait, please stop us… OFF THE RAILS! No, not literally, you weirdos.
And then the state Senate passed its version of the state budget, which looked eerily similar. If you didn’t know better you would think it was last year’s budget. But because you are a faithful reader, you DO know better. It WAS last year’s budget, which is about $3 billion shy of what the House passed last month. If you are scoring at home, next up is the “I know you are but what am I?” phase of negotiations, closely followed by the “my dad can beat up your dad” phase.
Editor’s Note: if a budget passes and is signed into law by next Friday, we promise to write next week’s update completely in Haikus. Book it.
A medical marijuana supplier took a break from counting mountains of cash to tell a reporter that the state is missing out on a crap-ton of revenue by not legalizing weed. After speaking to reporters, he dove into a pile of gold coins a la Scrooge McDuck and lit a cigar with a hundy. We were told at the beginning of this budget cycle that extra cash was urgently needed. Go figure.
As the SEPTA wars continue in Harrisburg, one of the preferred funding options, a tax on so-called skill games, isn’t sitting well with Philly leaders who don’t really want the fate of their transit system tied to games that they feel are predatory to poor people. For those just joining us, skill games look like slot machines and pay money like slot machines but definitely aren’t slot machines and don’t you DARE call them slot machines or they will sue the britches off of you for even INFERRING they MIGHT be slot machines.
Universities across the country are slashing programs, raising tuition, closing campuses and consolidating operations, including virtually all of them in Pennsylvania. But not to worry. There is absolutely no downside to having a completely uneducated populace, except for, you know, the end of democracy.
A bipartisan effort is afoot in the state Senate to ban cell phones in schools. Yes, you read that right. No, not the cell phone part; the bipartisan part. A Republican and a Democrat, working hand in hand for a common goal. See, elected officials? You can work together! Now go do that budget thing, cats and kittens!
Federal tax incentives for alternative energy are, thanks to Congress, gonna expire in 2027, a full 10 years sooner than the original law had intended. This will no doubt slow the development of some (no, not all) solar and wind developments, but before you crack open the Moet, Pennsylvania needs a whole lot of energy very soon. It ain’t good news to knock a few hundred megawatts out of the queue, regardless of the source. We always find it comical to hear politicians who say, “I am for an all-of-the-above energy strategy” when what they really mean is “I am for an all-of-the-above energy strategy, except for these three particular sources.”
In our Shameless Client Plug, a few Triadians spent a little time with a thousand of our closest friends at Penn State’s Ag Progress Days. Seriously, good people, you gotta hear us when we tell you that the crowd they get is astounding. It’s like a football Saturday, but with way better food and heavy equipment.
In our We Can’t Make This Up segment, we take you to Minot, North Dakota, where squirrels have pretty much taken over the entire town. Tens of thousands of squirrels have tunneled their way under and around Minot and are threatening to take over the entire town government. These little buggers may look cute, but c’mon. This is how the fall of western civilization starts.
That’s what passes for news around here. We apologize for being rather sporadic with our weekly happy hour dispatches; we were trying to see how much you missed us. In the meantime, from all your friends at Triad, have a great weekend!
