January 20, 2023

Last Monday, we celebrated Martin Luther King, Jr., Day by not misappropriating anything he ever uttered to apply to our own personal worldview by taking his words wildly out of context. Maybe this trend will catch on some day. Really, it is very liberating and fat-free. Try it next year.

Down in the totally functional halls of your Congress, members are wringing their hands, again, over the prospect of raising the debt ceiling. This, of course, causes some members to go on cable TV and trot out the old “child with a credit card” analogy. So, we will make it simple to understand. Yes, if you gave your child a credit card and he or she kept hitting the limit, you probably would ask the child to cut back on the spending… AFTER YOU PAY THE DAMNED CREDIT CARD COMPANY! They don’t care about your child’s spending proclivities, people. They want their money.

Smokin’ Joe Biden’s approval rating has inched up into the 44th percentile, which is rarefied air among our eternally cranky electorate. However, the fact that he keeps finding classified documents all over his house (hey, who left the intelligence briefing on Iran on the floor by the toilet?), that number may not hold much longer.

After a lengthy investigation, the U.S. Supreme Court announced it has been unable to find out who leaked the Dobbs decision to the media. Did y’all look inside your own chambers or nah? Pretty sure that call came from inside the house.

Before we proceed to state-level shenanigans, we are sad to report that Philly legend and groundbreaking disc jockey Jerry Blavat, the Geator with the Heator, has passed. And with that, heaven got a brand-new soundtrack, and it’s a banger, folks!

Now, onto the Keystone State, where Josh Shapiro was sworn in as the Commonwealth’s governor. As is our custom, we wish him and his team all the best as they take the wheel for at least the next four years. There was much pomp and circumstance, but we shan’t bore you with the details of that pomp, nor the circumstance. Especially the circumstance.

If you are interested in knowing who Shapiro has tapped to run all of his departments, there is a handy list here. Or you could just call us since we know pretty much all of them already.

Do you know WHY we can say that with confidence? Sure you do! It is because one of Triad’s 30 fundamental behaviors calls upon us to invest in relationships. Kick back and let Roy Wells tell ya all about it! Come for the knowledge, stay for random quotes from Heraclitus!

Shapiro wasted no time in getting down to the business of doing business, as the very next day he signed an executive order eliminating the college degree requirement for almost all state jobs (of which there are roughly 65,000.) In these times of workforce shortages, this is a shrewd move, indeed. We can expect the new governor to be awfully busy with his executive order machine since half of the General Assembly is kinda, well, not really there yet. But alas, there is a group of lawmakers working on what the House Rules should look like, so hey, horse before cart right?

The Commonwealth Court has decided that the three special elections necessary to bring the House to full complement shall happen Feb. 7, which means we may have 203 members by Valentine’s Day. We would suggest that neither party treat that session day like the original St. Valentine’s Day. Spread the love, organize committees, adopt some rules, and then go have a nice, candlelit dinner with your sweetie.

We would be remiss if we did not congratulate Shapiro’s choice for attorney general, his longtime first deputy, Michelle Henry. We have a message for all you folks who are considering doing some criming now that Josh has departed: don’t try it. There will be no criming under Attorney General Henry’s watch.

Big congrats are also in order for Supreme Court Justice Debra Todd, who is about to become Pennsylvania’s first female chief justice. We think that she, Senate President Kim Ward and potential House Speaker Joanna McClinton should form a band called the Glass Smashers and tour across the globe when they are not here doing democracy stuff.

Pennsylvania’s corporate tax rate is now down a full point to 8.99% as of Jan. 1, marking the first of many reductions to come until that bugger sits at 4.99%. Or until the state falls into a deficit and lawmakers put those planned reductions in the cooler, whichever comes first. For those who were around for the phase-out of the Capital, Stock and Franchise Tax, you get what we are saying. These taxes are harder to kill than Rasputin.

The race for mayor of Philadelphia kicked into high gear as the 67 candidates sat for their first forum, which was a kind, genteel affair. About as kind as Eagles fans will be to the Giants faithful this Saturday at the Linc.

And over in Pittsburgh, it seems like the new secret sauce to getting elected to any office outside of register of wills is to absolutely beat the living tar out of health care giant UPMC. When you find yourself becoming everyone’s target, maybe keep your head below the firing line. This message brought to you by Triad Strategies’ Crisis Communications team. All Rights Reserved.

The folks at PCN-TV were crazy… er, nice enough to invite our own Mike Manzo to appear on their call-in show Monday night, so be sure to tune in, call in and ask him the most random question you can think of, preferably about 90s alternative rock.

In our We Can’t Make This Up segment, we head west three hours and land in Pittsburgh, where we found out this week that those 45-foot stone piers sitting in the Monongahela River near downtown are actually privately-owned and up for sale. Triad’s marketing team is currently exploring the purchase of said piers, where they plan to construct the new Triad Riverview Lounge, high above the Mighty Mon, thereby guaranteeing Brendan Schubert never again leaves the city. That’s what passes for news around here as we shake off the inaugural glow and get down to the brass tacks of public affairs. Party is over, people. Return to the office at once, ye scurvy dogs! From all of us at Team Triad, have a great weekend!