April 28, 2023
President Joe Biden ended the speculation this week and announced he will again run for president in 2024. The announcement was met with what can only be characterized as “polite applause” from Democrats. Kinda like a golf clap after a three-putt.
Further putting wind in Joe’s sails was the news that gas prices are, in the words of De La Soul, three feet high and rising and could end up, in the words of Johnny Cash, five feet high and rising before long. Wait, did we say wind in his sails? We meant adding to his ails.
Biden also decided to park a few boomers off of the South Korean coast, something that has not happened in 40 years (when Joe was in the U.S. Senate.) We are sure that the presence of nuclear warheads miles away from his coast will not make the normally rational and clear-thinking Kim Jong Un do anything crazy.
From the Triad Sports breaking news desk comes word that the Eagles and Steelers both traded up in yesterday’s NFL draft, taking Jalen Carter and Broderick Jones, respectively. This means the two teams added roughly 625 pounds worth of human on day one.
The national GOP released its preliminary autopsy on the disappointing 2020 election, and the overriding theme is party members need to stop relitigating 2022. First of all, if a coroner took two years to draft a preliminary autopsy, that fool would be unemployed. Second, while many in the GOP agree with the findings, there is a certain presidential candidate who ain’t about to let that happen, captain, largely because he is still talking about 2020.
Speaking of elections, did you know that L&A testing is one of the most crucial things counties can do to ensure secure elections? Yeah, neither did we. Anyhow, the Logic and Accuracy test is the gold standard, leading us to believe that MAYBE Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell could have avoided their current mess if they knew more about that test. We may never know.
Back here in good old PA, a group of lawmakers wants to expand Pennsylvania’s Clean Slate Law (which sealed the criminal records of certain nonviolent misdemeanors) to include certain non-violent felonies as well. We will remind everyone that our current law was the first of its kind in the nation, so if that group pulls this one off, they should be immediately dispatched to the Middle East to broker a lasting peace. Or maybe be put in charge of the Philadelphia Flyers front office (no reflection on our former client and good friend Dan Hilferty).
Did you know there was a mayor’s race going on in Philly? If you live east of Harrisburg and did not know that, welcome back from your recent coma – it’s great to see you up and around again. A poll was released this week showing that, despite millions of dollars spent, high profile endorsements (hello, Ed Rendell), 50 debates and nonstop insults, the damned thing is a flat-footed tie among FOUR candidates. Make. It. STOP!
The PA House passed eight bills that were for the most part supported by both parties, including Senate Pro Tempore Kim Ward’s historic breast cancer screening bill. Raise a glass to some good old, down-home bipartisanship.
Governor Shapiro, fresh off of getting some good grades from all parties on his first hundred days, announced a new initiative to improve the digital experience for Pennsylvanians seeking government help online. This is great news, since damned near everyone who seeks government help is doing it online. No reason to keep upgrading toll-free numbers and having people fax in forms. This just in: there are four Triad employees who did not get that joke because they don’t know what a fax machine is.
The Urban League released the annual State of Black America, and it illuminated the rather scary fact that hate crimes against Black Americans jumped by 60% in the past year, while hate crimes against Asian Americans jumped a whopping 70%. We recall after the Los Angeles riots in the 1990s that Rodney King (who had just gotten his brains beaten in) asked if we could “all just get along.” Tragically, the answer is still “not yet,” we guess.
In a more uplifting story, if you’ve been to the South Side of Joe Biden’s hometown lately (it is Scranton, for the criminally uninformed), you saw a much different landscape from even 15 years ago. Gone are the drugs and prostitutes (we assume), replaced by a vibrant and welcoming Hispanic enclave. Lotta light being thrown off by the Electric City, and you love to see it.
Speaking of light, the moon is planning on swallowing the sun for a few minutes in 2024, and Erie is gonna have the best seat in the house. Make your plans now to head on up to the Maui of the Mainland!
Shameless Client Plug time! Thanks go out this week to state Sens. Dan Laughlin (of the aforementioned Maui) and Lisa Boscola (the star of Bethlehem) for introducing SB400, which would allow 1.1 million registered Independents to actually vote in primary elections. Participatory democracy! How friggin’ novel!
“With great power comes great responsibility.” – Yoda, or somebody like that. Roy Wells has always had the responsibility part down pat, and now HE HAS THE POWER! Congrats to the captain of the S.S. Triad for being named one of the 100 most powerful people in the Keystone State!
In our We Can’t Make This Up segment, we take you to Denver, where a drunken fool decided to tackle the Colorado Rockies mascot (a giant purple dinosaur named Dinger), because, well, alcohol. Note to that guy: come on down to Philly and try that crap with Gritty. You’ll wish your daddy never met your mama.
That’s what passes for news around here after a busy week on the Hill, a bout of spring and the return to winter, all in the past five days. Life comes at you fast. From all your friends at Team Triad, have a great weekend!