November 1, 2024
The next time we gather around the Triad campfire to spin some yarns and drink some cold sarsaparillas, this country will have itself a shiny, new president-elect. Or at least we hope that is the case. So, after more than a billion clams in campaign spending in Pennsylvania alone, and a nonstop barrage of rallies, town halls, tarmac pressers, and MORE FREAKING RALLIES, where are the two candidates in the polls? In a flat-footed tie, where it likely all comes down to us. Just as we predicted in July.
And if the prospect of a razor-thin presidential margin next Tuesday is giving you the sads, then please avert your eyes from the final Cook Political lay of the land for Congress, which currently sits at 214D-214R, with seven tossups. Imagine a 218-217 partisan House split deciding who gets to be president after a 269-269 Electoral College deadlock. People who produce horror movies for a living wouldn’t touch that script for a billion dollars.
And in the weirdest election cycle we have ever seen, what would the penultimate week bring? Oh, not much. Just a speaker at a Trump rally deciding to piss off the entire population of Puerto Rico with perhaps the unfunniest joke of the year.
Not content with letting the Harris campaign get even a little traction from this unforced error, President Biden put down his ice cream cone and his Yuengling long enough to top that one, calling Trump supporters garbage, and then hilariously trying to backtrack all over himself. It will be a small miracle if Kamala Harris doesn’t just stuff him in a closet and lock it until Tuesday.
And now that all campaigns have switched into closing argument/get-out-the-vote mode, the gates of hell have opened, and out came the lawyers, ready to pre-litigate the entire election before it happens. First up, Bucks County mail-in ballot lines and a federal judge! You win a prize!
Next up, Lancaster County, and 2,600 potentially fraudulent voter registration applications! You win a prize!
Where is Erie County? There you are, with your 20,000 or so “lost” absentee ballot applications! You win a prize!
And finally, yo Philly! Where you at?? There ya go, challenges against 20,000 more ballots! You win a prize!
Meanwhile, Philadelphia DA Larry Krasner got stood up by Elon Musk in the prosecutor’s quest to stop Musk’s daily million-dollar voter giveaway, which Krasner calls “an illegal lottery.” As folks who know a bit about Pennsylvania gaming law, we offer two things: one, Musk is probably outside the boundaries of the law here, and two, Musk might give a crap one day, but that day ain’t today.
Before we leave Philly, we would be remiss if we did not tell you that SEPTA workers have authorized a strike, and as such, be on the lookout for them to walk off the job at the most inopportune time possible. They are masters of that craft. If the Eagles host an NFL playoff game, expect the workers to walk off the job an hour before kickoff.
Before they all left to do some final campaigning, members of the House and Senate sent a few dozen bills to the desk of Gov. Josh Shapiro. Among them was SB 365, which would finally provide workers compensation coverage for PTS injuries for first responders, and we could not be happier for our pals at the PA Professional Firefighters. Much more to come on that one!
Then this week, lawmakers held a roundtable discussion on how to stabilize our shrinking volunteer firefighter universe, so look for early action on that one in 2025. This is your annual reminder that when it comes to first responders, you ain’t getting something for nothing much longer. It’s all about dolla dolla bills, y’all.
Out in Allegheny County, council folks who bristled at a proposed property tax hike are now being shown the cold reality of what an $81 million deficit looks like. And when these deficits finally come home to roost and the tax-averse folks see in black and white the cuts that are necessary, the response is usually “Wait! We didn’t mean for you to cut THAT! Cut something else!”
Pennsylvania now has a $10 million mixed-use tax credit at its disposal, thanks to the hard work of some public affairs team we know well. We don’t like to toot our own horn but… TOOT FREAKING TOOT! The credit will be the tip of the iceberg for the coming debate over affordable housing, coming to a General Assembly near you.
In our We Can’t Make This Up segment, we take you to Merry Old England, where a conker tournament was marred by a potential cheating scandal. A conker, you see, is a long string of horse chestnuts used to try and smash your opponent’s chestnut (which sound incredibly uncomfortable.) The king of conker, a man named Dave, was accused of using steel chestnuts in the championship, which turned out to be false. But that didn’t stop Dave’s opponent from filing 58 conker lawsuits, asking the vice conker not to certify the match, then declaring himself the winner. Nah, we totally made that last part up. They shook hands and are friends again.
And with that, we wave good-bye to election cycle 2024, at least our small part of it. WE WASH OUR HANDS OF THEE! Remember to vote, or don’t, we honestly could care less at this point. Come back next week, where we will tell you what happened, why it happened, and what the hell happens next. From all your friends at Team Triad, have a great weekend!