January 28, 2022

There appears to be a powerful, nor’easter bomb cyclone superstorm Babadook forming on the East Coast. Current snow forecasts for Harrisburg are anywhere from a dusting to two feet. In any case, that bread and milk ain’t gonna buy itself, kids. Chop, chop. 

The nation’s economy grew in 2021 at a pace not seen since 1984 (which George Orwell definitely saw coming), clocking in at a robust 5.7%. Analysts are also predicting robust growth for the remainder of 2022. This, of course, spells certain doom for President Joe Biden. If he can’t even get the economy to stop speeding, what the hell is he even there for?

Russia continued to not invade Ukraine by sending thousands of troops and tanks and planes and guns and knives to the border. By the end of next week, we fully expect a bare-chested, horseback riding Vlad Putin to be in front of the troops going full Mel Gibson in Braveheart. 

Team Biden has obviously decided that the national narrative needed to change a bit, so the president got himself a cat named Willow. Yup, that’ll do it. 

One thing that might brighten the Oval Office outlook was the news that Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is calling it quits after 310 years on the bench. Progressives have been calling for Breyer to step aside since, well, forever, and it seems they got their wish. Biden has announced he will choose a black woman for the job, which for some reason really pissed off a lot of white dudes on Twitter. We suppose this is because of the OBVIOUS lack of white dudes who have served on the SCOTUS.

Out in Pittsburgh, a bridge collapsed this morning and, miraculously, there were no deaths or serious injuries reported. If you’ve seen the footage, you will see a PAT transit bus sitting atop the crippled span, and all we have to say to that driver is “go play the lottery, dude.” 

The Irony 2022 award goes to President Biden, who is in the Steel City today to tout his infrastructure plan. Even though the passage of his signature funding bill came a bit too late to save the bridge over Frick Park, there are (checks notes) 445 other bridges in Allegheny County alone. In his remarks to the press, Biden pledged to fix them all, and we are here to tell you Mayor Gainey is gonna hold you to that, Joe! 

The state’s Commonwealth Court threw a bomb cyclone into the 2022 primaries by declaring the state law governing mail-in voting (among other things) to be unconstitutional. Before anyone hyperventilates, we fully expect the state to appeal that decision to the Supreme Court before the sun rises tomorrow. Oops! Just happened! 

And because the world of social media allows every candidate to weigh in on any topic in real time, we immediately were hit with a barrage of “THE GOVERNOR’S RACE IS MORE IMPORTANT NOW THAN EEEEEVVVVVEEEEERRRRRR! And please donate $5 to help me protect democracy.” 

The congressional maps are now firmly in the hands of the court as well, and can’t we just fast-forward to the end of this movie where the state Supreme Court draws the lines and it’s over? We much prefer handwringing over impending snowstorms and not the fate of the congressional lines. Two-thirds of voters in this country cannot currently identify their own member of Congress, but whoa, do they get cranked up if they think they might lose their current one because of the maps.  

If you haven’t followed West Virginia Gov. Jim Justice’s press conferences during COVID, you missed some great content. Justice regularly implored his state’s citizens to get vaccinated because his bulldog, which is named Babydog, wanted them to. This week, Babydog made an appearance at the State of the State address so Justice could tell Bette Midler to kiss the dog’s butt. Greatest. Country. IN THE WORLD! 

With hospitals in Pennsylvania jammed to the gills with COVID patients, the debate over minimum nurse staffing levels has heated up considerably. It is all well and good to pat front line workers on the back and tell them you appreciate them, but from time to time, they would like a bit more than that. 

Dairy farmers in Pennsylvania are optimistic that a trade deal with Mexico and Canada will give them some long-sought relief. Good for them – we hope it works out, because their work is hard enough.  Also, see the preceding paragraph. 

One hospital system in western Pennsylvania is giving pointers on how to have respectful conversations with people who believe COVID is a hoax or vaccines give you enhanced 5G coverage on your smart phone. Among the recommendations are to avoid using terms like “chucklehead, jackwagon, or nitwit.”  Got it, we will just refrain from talking from now on. 

In a rare moment of bipartisanship, Governor Wolf and lawmakers celebrated the passage of legislation that will send $225 million to health care workers. Leaders from both parties made remarks, leading to a rather hilarious moment when fierce but diminutive Senate Majority Leader Kim Ward complained that she could barely see over the podium. But you saw the plan to the finish line, senator, that’s all that matters.

The state Senate this week passed a bill that would allow gun owners/gun rights groups to sue municipalities for damages over what they deem are illegal firearms ordinances. This one will be vetoed by Governor Wolf (hell, he may have already done so), adding to his very impressive total. In fact, if you stacked all of his vetoes on top of one another, it is possible that Senate Majority Leader Kim Ward may not be able to see over them. Kidding!! 

Over on the Triad Socials, be sure to check out all the testimony from a hearing today, where our client, Doral LLC, made the case for a $300 million wind energy project

In our we Can’t Make This Up segment, we take you to the U.K., where a Jack Russell terrier named Millie planted herself on a mud flat with waters rising around her. To save Millie’s life, some ingenious folks decided to lure her to safety with a drone loaded with sweet, wonderful sausage. Once again, sausage proves there is nothing it cannot do. 

Another week from wild and wonderful Harrisburg is in the books, and we were happy to be your eyes and ears! Let us do it again next week why don’t ya? From all of us here at Team Triad, have a great weekend!